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In another simple everyday example, my ex-wife, after ten years of marriage, began to correct my way of speaking.
Being an English major, I knew how to talk, yet she decided she did not like certain phrases I used and told me not to say them.
It is very sad that these people do not comprehend the true nature of love and therefore are deprived of it.
They have no understanding of a partnership, for example, in which emotions and vulnerabilities are freely expressed and shared. Abusive people instead see everything in terms of control.
Knowing me as she did, she was certain this would stop me dead in my tracks. I do not remember a time that she simply offered her understanding when I was sad or exhausted or overworked, although she required this from me on a daily basis.
The only moments she voluntarily expressed sympathy was when (I realized later) she was trying to hide something. Early on in a relationship abusive people sink their teeth into their victims and connect with them in a deep and profound way.
I believe abusive people understand intimately how those they love feel but use that understanding to control them.
But instead of responding and giving back as I asked, she criticized me saying that I was changing from a giving person to a selfish person and what was wrong?
Yet I believe it is, and unfortunately many of us must deal this twisted point of view.
My ex-wife, for example, knew that I liked to help people and that I got a lot of joy from this.
So God forbid if you, the abused person, decide to assert yourself and insist that your feelings be taken into account.
The abusive one will see it as an attempt on your part to take over and therefore he or she will become quite angry.